


'Til Death (Un)does Us Part

by TheBreakfastGenie



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Bureaucracy, Humor, M/M, Marriage, Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home, Weddings, major character death referenced but he's alive, other people are here but it's mostly kirk and spock, post-The Voyage Home, this is pure humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-29
Updated: 2019-04-29
Packaged: 2020-02-09 19:03:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,473
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18644206
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheBreakfastGenie/pseuds/TheBreakfastGenie
Summary: Dying, it turns out, really complicates the legality of your marriage . Before the Enterprise-A takes off Kirk and Spock try to sort out the details. Federation bureaucracy may just be the greatest adversary they've ever faced.





	'Til Death (Un)does Us Part

**Author's Note:**

> Everything that happens in this fic is purely for fun. I hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoyed writing it!

“We’ve been here for two hours,” Jim complained. He leaned across the plastic armrest to press his head against Spock’s shoulder. 

“And seventeen minutes,” Spock confirmed, placing a comforting hand on Jim’s thigh. Jim groaned. “I don’t believe I’ve ever had occasion to visit the clerk’s office before now,” Spock remarked. “Their accommodations are quite pleasant.” Jim pulled his head back so that Spock could more clearly see the face he was making. 

“What part do you find pleasant? The uncomfortable chairs? The walls that are just the _right_ shade of beige? The painting of…” Jim gestured pointlessly at the framed picture on the opposite wall. “…nothing in particular?” he finished. 

“I believe it is an abstract work,” Spock said. He patted Jim’s leg. 

“Abstract art by its very nature depicts _something_ , merely removed—or abstracted, if you will—from the literal interpretation. Something like that,” Jim pointed again to the painting across the room, “would be considered non-representational. Unless, of course, there’s a hidden meaning suggested by the title ‘decorative 1.’”

Spock smiled. 

“When did you become such a scholar of the arts?”

“Starfleet Academy,” Jim said, pretending to take offense. He sat back in his chair and looked straight ahead. “I did a supplemental course. Didn’t I ever tell you that?” He turned to face Spock once again. “Perhaps your memory isn’t all back after all,” he said with a wink. 

Spock looked as if he was preparing a retort, but before he could speak a mechanical voice announced:

“Number 37.”

Jim glanced down at the paper in his hand. 

“That’s us!” he said excitedly. 

He stood, grabbing Spock’s hand to pull him up with him. 

“I am still uncertain why this matter could not be handled via a communication,” Spock said quietly. 

“Me either, but this is what they told me, and I’m in no position at the moment to ask either Starfleet or the Federation for any favors,” Jim whispered back. 

“I should think saving the Earth from certain destruction should garner you some goodwill,” Spock replied. Arms linked, the two men approached the desk. 

“Number 37?” The clerk behind the desk repeated the computer’s announcement. 

“Yes,” Jim confirmed, smiling at the impatient looking Grazerite. He placed the slip bearing their number on the counter. 

The clerk scowled and took the ticket. 

“What can I help you with?”

“We’d like to enquire about the status of our marriage certificate,” Jim widened his smile. He nudged Spock, who, taking the hint, offered an awkward smile of his own. 

“Names please?” the Grazerite’s voice did not change in pitch. 

“James Tiberius Kirk and S’chn T’gai Spock.”

The clerk hummed as he tapped a few locations on his PADD. 

“Perhaps you’ve seen us in the news,” Jim supplied helpfully. 

“I don’t pay much attention to the gossip section,” the Grazerite replied, not looking up. Jim turned to Spock. _Gossip section?_ he mouthed in disbelief. Spock shrugged. Jim turned back to the counter. 

“Well, I do have a marriage certificate on file,” the clerk said finally glancing up from the screen. Jim beamed. “I also have a death certificate for you,” he added, pointing at Spock with an almost accusing finger. Jim’s eyes narrowed as he stepped protectively in front of him. 

“As you can see, sir, I am quite alive,” Spock said good-naturedly. 

“There are cases,” the clerk continued, “of death certificates being rescinded, such as when someone was incorrectly believed to be dead. In those cases, of course, the legal marital status is reinstated, if neither party objects.”

“There’s certainly no one objecting here,” Jim smiled again, but tensely this time. 

“However, this law does not apply in your case. Captain Spock’s death certificate has not been rescinded. He did, in fact, die.”

“For a brief period,” Spock admitted. “My active commission in Starfleet should be enough evidence to confirm my status as alive.”

“You are listed as alive,” the clerk said, still in the same impatient monotone, “but you also have a valid death certificate on file. The Federation has never before needed to issue a certificate of resurrection. I suspect it will be some time before the system is able to accommodate your unique legal documentation. Until then, the state of your marriage, and any other contracts you may enter or have entered previously, remains unknown.”

“How long do you think it will take?” Jim asked. 

“It is impossible to determine with no prior instances of such a situation, but my estimate would be between eight and fifteen months.”

“Fifteen months?” Jim repeated incredulously. “We’re due to leave on a deep space mission in in two weeks!” 

“Perhaps you can take the matter up again when you return,” said the clerk. Jim sighed. He had faced life, death, and history itself with Spock by his side. He would not be stymied by bureaucracy. 

“Look—what’s your name?” Jim squinted at the man’s name tag. 

“Corbin. Zeff Corbin,” the man replied suspiciously. 

“Look, Zeff,” Jim continued amiably, “it’s very important to my husband,” he slung an arm around Spock’s waist to pull him closer, “and I that we resolve this matter before we leave on our assignment. Surely you can understand that. Do you have a family, Zeff?”

“He may or may not _be_ your husband, legally speaking of course,” Zeff replied. Jim threw up his hands. 

“This is ridiculous!” Spock placed a gentle hand on the small of his back. Understanding, Jim schooled his expression into one of reason. “Alright, look. How about this. We’d like to apply for a marriage license.” 

“Those are issued on floor seven,” Zeff said, staring once again at the screen on his desk. Jim sputtered. 

“Come, Jim,” Spock said logically, steering his husband (?) away from the counter. “We will go to floor seven.” 

Zeff pressed a button. 

“Number 38,” the mechanical voice announced.

 

* * *

 

“Alright, let’s see,” the Andorian clerk, Anara, who seemed much friendlier than Zeff downstairs, was reviewing the form displayed on the PADD Jim handed her. “James Tiberius Kirk, born in Riverside, Iowa, Earth, 2233. Currently listed as ‘widowed.’”

“I believe I should take offense to that,” Spock muttered beside him. Jim shot him a quick smile. 

“And for our other groom… S’chn T’gai Spock, born ShiKar, Vulcan, 2230.” Ah,” the Andorian looked to the built-in monitor in her desk and tapped a few areas. “Here we have a problem,” she looked up apologetically. “Your martial status is listed as ‘married,’” she said, looking in Spock’s direction. 

“That is logical, because I am,” Spock said. 

“Unfortunately, I can’t issue a marriage license when I would knowingly be aiding you in bigamy.”

“Bigamy?” Jim asked in disbelief. “What century is this?”

“While the Federation does recognize polygamous marriages, they are not issued on Earth. If you would like a list of worlds where they are available—“

Jim cut her off with a wave of his hand. 

“Never mind. There’s no time.”

“Shotgun wedding?” she teased. 

“Something like that,” Jim replied. 

“In two weeks we are being deployed on an extended deep space mission,” Spock explained.

“Well, safe travels,” she said. “I wish I could do more to help.”

“Bigamy,” Jim repeated, shaking his head. “Such an outdated concept.”

“You’d be surprised how many antiquated laws are still on the books,” Anara replied. “Just because they never got around to changing them.”

“I fail to see how our marriage can be bigamy when Jim is the person listed as my spouse,” Spock noted. 

“The system says you’re married,” Anara shrugged. “People renew their vows all the time, of course, but it’s not legally binding.” 

Jim ignored the conversation, lost in thought. 

“Unfortunately it is the legal aspect we are trying to ensure,” Spock said, “but you have been most helpful. I will be sure to leave you a positive evaluation.” Anara laughed. 

“Thank you, Captain,” she said. 

Jim raised his head up and grabbed Spock by the arm. 

“Come on, Spock,” he said. “I have a better idea.”

“It was lovely to meet you,” Spock said to Anara, as Jim inclined his head toward the door with about as much patience as Zeff had shown earlier. 

“Before you go,” Anara said, “can I get your autograph?”

 

* * *

 

“You want me to take the _Enterprise-A_ out of space dock two weeks ahead of schedule?” Jim smiled at the Scotsman’s bafflement. He was not too mature to admit he enjoyed the confusion he occasionally inspired in his crew. 

“Just for a few hours, Scotty, we’ll bring it right back.”

“You’re not making a habit of stealing starships, are you, Captain?” Scotty asked wryly. 

“It’s not stealing,” Jim protested. “I’m in command. It’s just a… brief test flight, before we embark on the mission. So I can familiarize myself with the layout of a new ship, of course.”

“Of course,” Scotty repeated. “Did you have a course in mind?”

“I just need to break orbit, so we’re no longer under planetary jurisdiction.”

“And what exactly are you planning to do that requires that, eh?” Scotty asked. 

“Well, Scotty, you’ll be the one doing it.” Scotty looked at him skeptically. “I need you to do me a favor,” Jim admitted. 

“You mean in addition to taking a brand-new ship out of dock two weeks early?”

“Yes,” Jim said. “It goes to ancient maritime law, in fact.”

“Oh, I’m going to love this,” Scotty muttered. 

“Actually, you are. At least, I hope so,” Jim said hurriedly. “As you know, one of the duties I am empowered to perform as Captain of the _Enterprise_ is officiating marriages,” Jim explained.  
“Aye, sir.”

“This dates back to the sailing ships of old,” Jim expounded, channeling the history professors whose classes he had so enjoyed at the Academy. His voice took on a majestic quality. “Any marriage conducted by the captain of a ship while on the open sea was recognized by the sailors’ home country when they returned. The same is true of marriages performed in outer space.”

“Aye,” Scotty said, still sounding skeptical. 

“The captain was the only person qualified to officiate the marriage. Unless, however, the captain himself was getting married, in which case the first mate could assume the duties.”

“Aye, sir, but seeing as I’m neither a captain nor a first mate, nor indeed a sailor, what exactly does this have to do with me?”

“The most obscure part of the law indicates that should the captain and the first mate wish to marry each other, the second mate could perform the ceremony, and the marriage would be legally recognized. This law still stands to this day.”

“Ah,” Scotty said, beginning to understand. 

“Scotty, Spock and I are having some trouble with our marriage certificate. The Federation won’t acknowledge that we’re married, because it’s not sure how to handle someone who _used_ to be dead, and they won’t allow us to _get_ married because Spock is already married to me,” Jim confessed the truth of the situation. 

“But if you’re married in outer space…”

“By an active-duty second officer onboard a starship, the Federation will have no choice but to recognize our union.”

“Very clever, sir,” Scotty complimented.. 

“Why thank you, Mr. Scott.” Jim grinned. “Just something I came up with while Spock was chit-chatting with that Andorian clerk,” he added under his breath. Scotty looked briefly puzzled but chose to ignore the comment. A wise man, Montgomery Scott. 

“So, Captain,” Scotty asked with a wink, “does this me you’re asking me to marry ya?”

“Well,” Jim said, shifting guiltily, “I didn’t want to do it _officially_ without Spock here.” 

“Indeed,” Scotty said approvingly. “Where is Spock, anyway?”

“He’s seeing about flower arrangements,” Jim said. 

“Ah,” Scotty nodded sagely. “Sulu.”

 

* * *

 

“Dearly beloved we are gathered here to join—“

“Not yet, Scotty,” Bones hissed. 

“We’re already fifteen minutes behind, Doctor,” Scotty explained quietly. “I’m just trying to get things moving.”

On the other side of the bridge a somewhat heated argument had broken out. 

“I’m the flower girl!” Chekov shouted. “You’re the ring bearer.”

“They’re already married, they don’t need a ring bearer,” Sulu complained. “Besides, I did all the arrangements.”  
“Well, there can’t be _two_ flower girls,” Chekov said, sticking out his tongue. 

“Alright, alright,” Jim said, walking over to the bickering officers. “That’s enough from you two.” He reached back to grab with some difficulty at Spock’s hand. Spock turned his head at the touch. Jim gestured frantically for him to approach.  
“Spock, give me your ring,” Jim said, as soon as his husband/groom was close enough to hear over the sound of Uhura tuning her lyre. Spock raised an eyebrow but complied with the request. Jim removed his own ring as well. 

“Here,” he said, handing both wedding bands to Sulu. “You can carry those. Give them to Bones when you get to the altar. Chekov,” he turned to his chief of security, “you’ll carry the flowers.” Chekov shot Sulu a smug look, but Jim didn’t bother to comment. He strode over to where Scotty and Bones were assembled. 

“Sulu’s going to give you the rings, then you'll give them back to me,” he informed the doctor. 

“Jim, don’t you think this is a little preposterous?” Bones asked. 

“Of course I do, but I’d rather not have to break my wedding up for fighting before it’s even begun,” Jim said. 

“No, I mean this whole thing,” Bones gestured to the bridge which had been expertly decorated by Sulu and Uhura. “I mean, I was already your best man once.” 

“And you get to do it again, isn’t that fantastic?” Jim asked jovially. When McCoy did not respond, he sighed. “Look, the Federation won’t recognize our marriage because of the bureaucratic nightmare that is coming back from the dead. This was the only loophole I could find.” McCoy nodded his approval. 

“Say, Jim,” he said after a moment’s pause, “If you’re married to Spock, and I was carrying Spock’s katra, does that mean for a while there you and I were married?”

“You don’t think I can do better than that?” Jim teased. Bones rolled his eyes, but his smile was warm.  
“I’d say you did,” he said sincerely. “Now go get ‘im.” He patted Jim on the shoulder. 

Once Sulu and Chekov made it down the aisle with minimal incident and Uhura plucked the last notes of the traditional Vulcan processional, Scotty began his work. Glancing down at the PADD in his left hand, he recited:

“Do you, James Tiberius Kirk, take this man, S’chn T’gai Spock, to be your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do you—“

“Uh, Scotty,” Jim interrupted quietly, scratching at the tightness of his collar. “I think we better skip that part.”

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know if I necessarily think the Federation only allows people to be married to one person, but for the purposes of this fic it was funny. 
> 
> My only regret is Uhura not getting to do more.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed! Leave a comment if you like. I can be found on tumblr at thebreakfastgenie and I'm always happy to talk.


End file.
